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Please Submit 1 Funny Thing


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Malcolmxy
7/20/2012 11:26:04 PM


Status: Attorney General
Please Submit 1 Funny Thing

OK, so I'm starting now to realize that there are like 3 other American people who populate this joint, and my sense of humor tends to be obscure, even for people who have a frame of reference, so there is no way a non-English speaker is gonna get it...no way at all.

So, please submit something that you find funny (that isn't Mr. Bean, please.). It can be a picture (not your chop, please), a song, a video, a sound, the definition of a word, a joke...whatever.

I'm just curious what people here find funny, 'cause I swear that I kill when playing to a native-born, north american English speaking crowd.





I picked this because it's funny and cute and mostly clean (I think one swear word at the beginning, and then clean...mostly. He uses the f-word now and again, but it's not bad)
Comments: 847
Contest Entries: 271
War is over, if you want it
Chili
Independents
7/21/2012 12:52:40 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
I'm curious , where are you from Malcolmxy ???
Comments: 1696
Contest Entries: 327
Truly great madness can not be achieved without using Photoshop ;-)

Malcolmxy
Independents
7/21/2012 1:47:38 PM


Status: Attorney General
seattle, wa, usa
Comments: 847
Contest Entries: 271
War is over, if you want it

preemiememe
Democrats
7/21/2012 2:01:40 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
im afraid things i find funny are not rated ,,G ..lol
Comments: 7611
Contest Entries: 1033
"Sheet or get off the pot"

Chili
Independents
7/21/2012 2:38:44 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
All of my Sh**t is only rated in Countries that participate in the open market of equal rights for aged Hippies . Thats why i live in Amsterdam !!!
Comments: 1696
Contest Entries: 327
Truly great madness can not be achieved without using Photoshop ;-)

vicspa
Independents
7/21/2012 4:31:27 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
1 How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The New Jersey Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19 What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22 How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Comments: 955
Contest Entries: 360

vicspa
Independents
7/21/2012 4:34:28 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
1 How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The New Jersey Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19 What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22 How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Comments: 955
Contest Entries: 360

AzureSky
Independents
7/21/2012 5:23:35 PM


Status: Commander in Chief


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it."

The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY! I can't stand to see a man crying'

'This is the worst day of my life!' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.'

'When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life.'


'Then you show up and drink the damn poison!'
Comments: 12495
Contest Entries: 1352
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

AzureSky
Independents
7/21/2012 5:27:22 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived
... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."


Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
Comments: 12495
Contest Entries: 1352
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

AzureSky
Independents
7/21/2012 5:29:21 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
A Tough-Guy Legend...

On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding
west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a
Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George, a big burly man of 53, got off his bike, walked through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and said to the girl . . .

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.

While he didn't want to appear ‘sensitive’, he also didn't want to miss a ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either, so he asked . . .

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .

and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she finished, George got approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he said . . .

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl" she said

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Comments: 12495
Contest Entries: 1352
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

AzureSky
Independents
7/21/2012 6:15:06 PM


Status: Commander in Chief
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.(To date}

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in c o c kpit.
S: Something tightened in c o c kpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in man-meaty goodness pit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.


Filter got part of it

--

[Edited by User on 7/21/2012 6:16:00 PM]
Comments: 12495
Contest Entries: 1352
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Veroni
Independents
7/21/2012 6:32:59 PM


Status: Student Body President
I am like "preemiememe" in my choice of humor, because I am a naughty girl, but I do think this is funny.

null
Comments: 135
Contest Entries: 57
The divorce rate of my socks is astonishing!

Kellie
Independents
7/21/2012 6:38:43 PM
Status: Commander in Chief


[Edited by User on 7/21/2012 6:39:28 PM]
Comments: 16532
Contest Entries: 291

AzureSky
Independents
7/21/2012 6:50:06 PM


Status: Commander in Chief

On 7/21/2012 6:32:59 PM, Veroni said:
I am like "preemiememe" in my choice of humor, because I am a naughty girl, but I do think this is funny.

null



Lucky Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Comments: 12495
Contest Entries: 1352
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Veroni
Independents
7/21/2012 7:24:22 PM


Status: Student Body President

On 7/21/2012 6:50:06 PM, AzureSky said:

On 7/21/2012 6:32:59 PM, Veroni said:
I am like "preemiememe" in my choice of humor, because I am a naughty girl, but I do think this is funny.

null



Lucky Jennifer Love Hewitt!




LOL! Yep.
Comments: 135
Contest Entries: 57
The divorce rate of my socks is astonishing!

preemiememe
Democrats
7/21/2012 7:27:46 PM


Status: Commander in Chief

On 7/21/2012 6:32:59 PM, Veroni said:
I am like "preemiememe" in my choice of humor, because I am a naughty girl, but I do think this is funny.

null



i think thats funny too,,,
Comments: 7611
Contest Entries: 1033
"Sheet or get off the pot"

news1st
Independents
7/21/2012 7:56:59 PM
Status: Commander in Chief

On 7/21/2012 6:50:06 PM, AzureSky said:

On 7/21/2012 6:32:59 PM, Veroni said:
I am like "preemiememe" in my choice of humor, because I am a naughty girl, but I do think this is funny.

null



Lucky Jennifer Love Hewitt!




No. Lucky Me! - I Got 2 Go First!

Unfortunately? ...I look more Like Mickey Rouke than Enrique Nowdays.

UPS - Plane Crash - Rancho Cordova, California
Comments: 1401
Contest Entries: 275

Malcolmxy
Independents
7/21/2012 9:58:13 PM


Status: Attorney General

On 7/21/2012 2:01:40 PM, preemiememe said:
im afraid things i find funny are not rated ,,G ..lol



Q: What's the best part about ... with 23-year-olds?

A: There's 20 of them.

(It's a joke people...not for realz)

l-o-l (-o-) l-o-l
Comments: 847
Contest Entries: 271
War is over, if you want it

Malcolmxy
Independents
7/21/2012 10:05:54 PM


Status: Attorney General

On 7/21/2012 2:38:44 PM, Chili said:
All of my Sh**t is only rated in Countries that participate in the open market of equal rights for aged Hippies . Thats why i live in Amsterdam !!!



That's why you didn't like me at first. You're a dirty hippie. Someone forgot to tell y'all that the Haight-Ashbury became a shooting gallery. Experiment - FAILED.

I'm a punk. Seems to be more effective (at p!ssing people off, anyway).

If I were alive in the 60s, I'd have hooked up with this dude instead of all the people that stunk of VW Van and patchouli. God, I hate patchouli (VW vans can actually be OK, though).


YIPPIE!!!

(Sorry, I have an irrational faux-hatred of hippies, Tom Hanks and Oprah. Given what others choose to irrationally hate, I'm cool with it...)
Comments: 847
Contest Entries: 271
War is over, if you want it

Malcolmxy
Independents
7/21/2012 10:18:37 PM


Status: Attorney General
[reply]On 7/21/2012 7:27:46 PM, preemiememe said:
[reply]On 7/21/2012 6:32:59 PM, Veroni said:
I am like "preemiememe" in my choice of humor, because I am a naughty girl, but I do think this is funny.

[URL="http://youtu.be/SjW3BhHpwog"]null[/URL][/reply]

i think thats funny too,,,[/reply]


Comments: 847
Contest Entries: 271
War is over, if you want it

Malcolmxy
Independents
7/21/2012 10:25:37 PM


Status: Attorney General

On 7/21/2012 6:38:43 PM, Kellie said:


[Edited by User on 7/21/2012 6:39:28 PM]





dirty girl (I assume, what with not being able to see what you posted at all. You can throw it on deviantart if you have an account there and they won't take it down...)
Comments: 847
Contest Entries: 271
War is over, if you want it

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